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DIARY: Does This Make Any Sense?

A number of people requested that I keep them updated on my 30-Day Man Fast. I shrugged at it because I consider it to be a personal journey between me and God. Then again, I thought to share moments that weren't creepily sacred.

This was what Day1 of my 30-Day Man Fast looked like . . . Clueless but cognizant.

30-Day Man Fast
Day 1: God Loves Me

I grabbed my diary, my Bible and a pen as though I was expecting God to suddenly start dictating for me to write.

I didn't even know what I was supposed to do.

I started to cry. Lol.

I shed tears for about 15 minutes.

After a while, I decided that today being the first day should be about stating what I intend to achieve at the end of the fast.

I wrote out 5 objectives:
  1. To learn how to be independent in body, soul and spirit as a single woman by totally depending on God. (wholeness)
  2. To learn how to put God above everything else . . . and everyone else. (focus)
  3. To be satisfied with Jesus only. (contentment)
  4. To be fixed - that my broken past and experience shall be unto God's glory. (recovery)
  5. To know and understand God's purpose for my life in this season. (clarity)

Thereafter, a song popped up on my mind. I hummed it. Sang it softly a few times. And sang it even more passionately.

It was Mary Mary's 'I try'. The lyrics came alive in my spirit as it reads:
I should know by now there's no way no
How I could live my life without you
Still I get caught up in myself
And talk to you less and less
And every time that I do
I come right back to you
Cause after all my mistakes
I know that I have to change
So I put my life in your hands

I wish I could undo some things that
I have done in my past
But I can't erase what's already
Taken place
So from now on I'll try to do my best
Cause after all my mistakes
I know that I have to change
So I put my life in your hands
I try but sometimes I fail Now I realize that I need your help 'Cause I can't make it all by myself I need you
It was a perfect description of my Heart Rays at the time. I had realized I couldn't go any further without God. I needed to surrender it all.

I also sang Don Moen's 'River of Love' over and over again:

Thirsty for more you
More of your Spirit and truth
Wash me from all my sin
Fill me with your Spirit again

You're the river of love
Flowing with the grace and mercy
Flooding my soul
Filling my heart with peace
O river of love
Like streams in the desert
Giver of life
Giving your life and love
To set me free

Thereafter, it felt like God was responding to my heart. "I love you, Amaka. My love for you runs deep like a river. I come to give you life, love and light."

I felt good. Really good.

Then I listened to Joseph Prince on YouTube. Can't remember the title of the message but it blessed me. He talked about how we can lean on God's love and not worry about anything. He said something that has stuck with me: 

"It is better to boast on God's love for you than boast on your love for Him. Because while your love can grow cold, God's love is constant."

I felt better. Refreshed. Loved.

I have been trying too hard to earn God's love because I had forgotten that nothing I do can reduce or increase the magnitude of love He already has for me. 

I breathed out anxiety from my heart and breathed in the love of God into my heart, and prayed to always bask in His Love.

God loves me. That's all that matters to me right now.

* * * * 
That was the first day.

This fast has been a life-altering journey. It seemed like God opened my heart and made me look inside it. I am amazed at myself.

You might think it’s crazy that I took this fast and chose not to talk to men for 30 days but God has really been showing me some powerful things about myself. I'd recommend it for every single woman to do it at least once in her life.

Personally, this fast was mainly about staying away from distractions (men) and getting back to the heart of God and my purpose. I also didn't want to start a new relationship without first dealing with my innerman.

I still have some days to go. Slowly, but surely I will get there.

What's your relationship with God looking like right now?

Written by Nwamaka Ajaegbu 
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Email: amakamedia@yahoo.com
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Heart Rays . . .giving out  the light.
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