Wednesday, 20 January 2016

RELATIONSHIP: What To Say When Your Ex Calls You

I'm so sure my ex silently visits my blog regularly. Am I not 'looking for trouble' by writing about this now, ehn? Well, that's what he gets for ever dating a real lifestyle blogger like me. *grins*

It's wednesday. Let's talk about love, baby! 

When An Ex Calls You


So my ex called me on Sunday night.

Apparently, I still have his number in my head.

"Hei! Why is (name) calling me?!"

Pause here. I will give you the full gist. Let me write as a serious human being first. Lol. My primary purpose is to inspire you to live life filled with positivity and love. 

*adjusts chair*

You have moved on. You have started to enjoy life without them. And then suddenly your phone rings. It's a vaguely familiar number. You have seen it before. Then you remember, "oh my God!"

It's your ex.

Not just an ex. Not the casual ex or childhood ex where time and maturity was out of place. This is not that person.

This is the one whose break up with you was wrenching, tumultuous and deadly. The once great love of your life whose exit drove you to rededicate your life to Christ. The one whose exit made you realize you were born to be and do more with your life. S/he is the cause of you working so hard to make more money and live the life of your dream. Yeah, that ex.

That ex that you thought was going to be the one. Yeah, that's the one I am talking about. 

When s/he calls, your heart suddenly skips a bit. Why in the world is your ex calling you?!

Your mind pepertually start to think of all the possible things s/he might want to say to you. "I miss you" "Are you still angry at me?" "I'm getting married" "Do you still love me?" "Can we hang out?"

Awkward moment there. 

You know, regardless of how you guys broke up, there is always a little part of you that wants to hear "Baby, I want you back." Even though you might not want to have them back, you just want to know they are missing you. (I can imagine you nodding like "you know". Lol. Naughty you!)

Congratulations, sweetie! Of course, you are being missed. When an ex calls you, it means s/he thought about you at some point.

Sip it that in. Hmm . . . sounds good. Right? :)

It's possible that something has changed in your ex's life that put you back into their head. Maybe s/he was dating someone and it didn't work out. Or maybe s/he was thinking about some good memories you had together and suddenly felt the need to call you up. Either way, you're on your ex's mind in a positive way.

It's not a bad thing for them to call. 

What Do You Do When Your Ex Calls?

There are two versions of what to do.
  1. Ignore the phone. You do this because you don't want them in your life anymore. You do not care about what they have got to say. You are done . . . gone.
  2. Pick up the phone. You do this because you still like them (even though you might not want them back). You want to know what they have to say.

Should You Do This Or That?

There are two versions of why you would want to do any of the two things I listed above.
  1. You are angry. You have not forgiven your ex yet. You cannot explain why s/he left. Your ex said a lot of things after the breakup, but you don't really believe everything they said. You would either love a clarification or confrontation.
  2. You are indifferent. You are neither happy nor angry with them. You have learnt your lessons. You need no clarification of any sort. You have moved on.
#2 is was entirely my case.

What To Say When You Pick Up?

You don't want to be caught off guard by the call, you probably have rehearsed what to say. What you say is important as what you don't say. And let's not forget how you say it is also a big factor in how well this phone call will go.

Be cool. Stay calm. Don't show any sign of neediness. Whatever happens, don’t ever ask them "Are you dating any one now?" or "What have you been doing without me?" You have to keep your head straight. Don't be afraid to hear what they have to say.

As for me, I listened half-heartedly. Maybe it was because I was so above it all, so over it, that I didn’t feel the need to hear what was to be said. Don't be like me tho. Listen to everything.

Aha. I think I can gist you now.

* ** ** *
So my ex called me twice before I realized he even called. I saw the missed calls. I hesitated to call him back at first. Then I eventually did after comporting myself back to reality.

Ex: Hey
Me: Hi. Sorry I missed your call
Ex: I thought you might be sleeping already
Me: Well, I'm not
Ex: Erm . . . Please, let me call you back
Me: Okay

I hung up. And He called back almost immediately.

Me: Hello
Ex: Hey Amaka. How you dey na
Me: Fine. Thank you. And you?
Ex: I'm alright. How was church today?
Me: Good . . . good.
Ex: Okay
Me: (silent)

I waited for him to talk. He called me. Didn't he? He had to be the one doing the talking!

Ex: (He was stuttering now)
Me: Hope you're fine sha
Ex: Yes I'm good. Very good.
Me: Great. How is your mum and everybody?
Ex: Oh, she's fine. Everyone is fine  How about you - mum, dad and family?
Me: Fine.

I tried to make him feel comfortable enough to talk and tell me why he was calling.

EX: (laughs nervously) Erm . . . I didn't plan to call. I . . . er . . . permit my unco-ordinatedness, if there is any word like that. (He laughs again) I . . .er just felt like calling you.
Me: (said nothing) 

Ex: I think you've been avoiding me. Or we've been avoiding each other
Me: You think so?
Ex: Yeah. I sent you a new year text, and you didn't reply. 

Well, I got the SMS. He was wishing me well. I didn't see the need to reply.

Me: Oh
Ex: That wasn't nice
Me: Hmm (there was an awkward silence there)
Ex: Erm . . . I was listening to Ego on radio. And she said some stuff that got me . . . er . . . I really can't explain why I'm calling you tonight.

Oh. He was obviously listening to a love programme on radio that night (or a night before then), when he suddenly remembered there was once a girl called 'Amaka'. Smh.

Ex: You and I were serious. It wasn't a play thing. We were going somewhere together, but I manned out. I don't want to say chickened out because I'm not a chicken.
Me: (I quietly smiled. I have always loved his sense of humour)
Ex: I saw the need for us to talk. I mean I saw the need for us to have talked.

I said nothing and allowed him talk for as long as he was willing. He spoke for about 20 minutes. Fast forward . . .

Ex: It wasn't about you or what you did or didn't do. It was me. It was personal. And I needed to fix myself and I didn't want to do that while having somebody around. Blah blah blah
Ex: Ever since we stopping talking, I haven't spoken to anybody else. It wasn't like I got distracted or found somebody else. As I'm talking to you now, there is nobody.
Me: (still silent. In my mind, I was like "How is that my business?") 
Ex: I just want to say it wasn't your fault. It was me. I had to fix myself. 
Me: (silent)
Ex: That's it.

I didn't know what to say or how to respond. Guess what I said next?

Me: Alright. Thanks for calling. Bye-bye.
Ex:  . . .

I heard him whisper "OK". Then I switched off my phone abruptly.
Jeez! I still laugh at myself for saying nothing. Anyways, I believe my "nothing" said a lot for itself.
* ** ** * 
Moving on.

What Not To Do While On The Phone With Your Ex
  1. Above all things, don't say, "Hey, wow, it's great to hear from you! How've you been?" No. A simple "hi" "hello" or "hey" is fine. 
  2. Don't be overly excited
  3. Allow your ex to talk. Let them you why s/he called you, maybe fill some time with a little small talk before they get to the real reason they have you on the phone. Whatever reason your ex gives for calling?
  4. Don't display anger or bitterness 
  5. Don't show any form desperation 
  6. Don't talk about the break up 
  7. Don't make demands
  8. Don't interrogate your ex 
  9. Don't use a confrontational tone. Don't also be conversational. 
  10. Don't challenge them. Allow it to go right past you.

Calling you might mean s/he is confused about their feelings for you. Their heart is still in love with you but they are trying to convince themselves that they should stay broken up. They miss you and want to spend time with you, but they are stopping themselves because they think you are too (or not) good for them. They probably also want to be kept on the "friend zone".

Whatever be the case, let your ex feel comfortable that s/he called. But you should not be too comfortable that you were called. That didn't come out right. *bites lip*

The thing is, they could be testing to see if you would want them back or just trying to know what's been exactly going on in your life. Who knows?


P.S.1. Hopefully, next week or thereabouts, I will be telling you how to go about calling your ex (if you want her back). I'm slowly evolving into a beautiful relationship expert. :)

P.S.2. God's been preparing me for such a time as this. What if my former project manager saw this coming when he asked me to write a letter to help him get back his baby that day? Hm. 

P.S.S. In case you were wondering how I could remember everything my ex said. I recorded the call. Lol. No, it's not what you think. Generally, I used to record my phone calls, play them back and listen to myself. It's one of the things I do to perform better as a voice-over artist.

Alrightie, it's about our exes today.

I personally believe that when it's over, it's over. The only exes I am in touch with aren't really exes . . . they are first dates that never got off the ground but are very awesome people. Otherwise, I dunno, call me childish, but it just doesn't make sense to be that close with him again.

Your take; Is there a need to still keep in touch with an ex?


Written by Nwamaka Ajaegbu 
Follow on Twitter: @Amakamedia
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Email: amakamedia@yahoo.com
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