Erm . . . officially speaking, this is my first "Dear Diary" entry! I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. Mixed feelings. Wondering which part of me I should let out first - cool or crazy?
I'll start by being partially transparent. I say “partially” because there are some things that I am not ready to scream out to the world or even admit to myself yet.
Perhaps your response will make me more open to share myself with you.
OK. Here is the deal – I am always very hard on myself. So hard that I beat myself up. I have put some irrational and just plain crazy expectations on myself. I want to be perfect. I want to be exceptional. I want to be really good at every thing I do.
I mean EV-UH-REE-THING.
I want to be . . .
- a good writer
- an awesome wife
- a boss of my own
- a healthy person
- a good voice-over artist
- a fab presenter
- a true Christian
- a good friend
- a good Nigerian
That is the partial list.
I want to be all these things at once and at all times. Then, to add another level of "crazy" is that these things have a sublist. And the sublist have a sublist.
Sublist like what does it take to be a good person? What does it mean to be a good writer? What does it mean to be a good Nigerian? What does it take to be any of the things that you want to be, Amaka?
So, all these attributes and roles that I see for myself have prerequisites. If I don’t meet them, I am falling short.
Just imagine – every single day – when I am taking stock of these expectations I have of myself and realize that I don’t meet them, I cry. When I don't cry, I scream. If I can't neither cry nor scream, I might just go and kill myself and die.
Please, don't let me die. Let me scream.
I like to scream. I scream everywhere. I can scream like a crazy twenty-something-Nigerian-Christian-Single-woman. I can scream like a guiter, musical. I can also scream like a cute baby too. I have a gift of screaming. Lol.
|that's me screaming right there. (2011)|
So I scream in my diary too. Sometimes it screams back at me. Other times it gives me the silent treatment. Ouch.
One of the things I am trying to achieve by writing a public diary is to get out of my head before I lose my mind and go totally crazy! It's better to start expressing it somehow. So this is me trying to express myself. Going on an adventure inside my head. Analyzing my thoughts. Discovering the power within. Being real. Being me.
What am I saying here? Expectations are good. We should all have expectations for ourselves. Expectations on what we want to become or achieve. Expectations on how we should
react respond to the various life situations that are presented to us every single day. However, we need to be a little easier on ourselves.
I have to constantly remind myself that life is about the journey and not the destinations because every time you reach THERE, there will inevitably come ANOTHER THERE to get to. With every destination, comes another destination.
Let's take life easy. Let's enjoy the moment.
Even while I am writing out this entry, I'm trying to stop myself from impressing you, and just enjoy writing. However, I expect "Dear Diary" to make you laugh, cry, scream, think and go crazy a little.
It's coded. Read between the lines.
Question: What are your crazy expectations? What do you do when you don't meet them?
Written by Nwamaka Ajaegbu
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Heart Rays . . .giving out the light.