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Dear Diary, I Really Wanted A Boy

I’m a planner. I like to know my baby’s gender as soon as I am considered pregnant! But this time, Kachi and I involuntarily embraced the idea of being surprised until our second baby was born.

International Day Of The Girl Child 2022

“I want a boy.” I repeated as many times as possible. I told the people who were qualified to be told. It was what I wanted.

Some of the people I told smiled and wished same along with me while some looked at me with judging eyes. "You should just wish for a healthy pregnancy and baby. That's what's most important."

Oh well, I couldn’t help wanting what I wanted.

I wanted a boy and wasn't ashamed of that. I knew that I'd be a great mother to either boys or girls, so why should I have felt bad for having a preference? Was I any less grateful for getting the opportunity to parent another child? Was I being a selfish brat and only thinking about my wants, instead of thanking the heavens that I was able to conceive again?

Of course not.

I could have saved myself from the anxiety and go for an ultrasound to SEE the gender of the baby I was carrying. Each time I did, I closed my eyes and told the sonographer to not reveal it to me. Lol. 

I felt better about not knowing.

However, I was always comparing every heartbeat range, every craving, the morning sickness level, dreams, and the kicking activity to my first pregnancy. Everything pointed to a boy and, honestly, I really wanted a boy to fit into our ‘perfect’ family of four picture.

I was still very certain that our second baby was a boy and if I thought about my reaction to another girl– well, I didn’t even want to think about it. I didn’t want to talk girl names either. How would I react after birth– on camera?

Gender disappointment is very real, whether we want to admit it or not. Maybe some cannot understand why or how that could be possible– isn’t a healthy baby all that matters? In many ways, yes. Eventually you will get to that conclusion too, but until then do not push aside and ignore your true feelings. We feel what we feel, so let’s own that. Talking about our hopes, yearnings, along with our emotional setbacks that come with our expectations not being met helps us to process and move forward into a positive bonding relationship with the child that is chosen for us.

Today, I want this baby girl to know it wasn’t about her existence that I was disappointed in– NEVER. It was my own expectations and coming to term with my inner yearnings of having a sister because I was an only girl child. 

She is a prayer answered and in fact, a dream come true.

For years, I wished my mum gave me a sister. So when I thought about having children, I thought about having sisters. The Holy Spirit brought this to my remembrance.

I am practically living in awe. . . I’m a mum of two girls! Whoops!

P.S If you are not living in awe, then you are not paying attention. 

Written by Nwamaka Onyekachi
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Heart Rays . . . giving light.

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